What do women really want in bed?Nikki Gemmell on why complete sexual honesty is something very few people can cope with
George Orwell listed four writers' motives: sheer egotism, aesthetic enthusiasm, historical impulse (the desire to record things as they are, for posterity) and political purpose (the desire to push the world in a certain direction). I have a much simpler reason for writing: to be in control. As a wife and a mother, as a woman, my desk is the only place where I have complete control in my life. It is also, ironically, the only pocket of my life where I can be utterly truthful - especially in terms of sex.
It is hard, in a relationship, to be completely honest: to show your partner your secret self. Vita Sackville West described herself as an iceberg, and said her husband could only see what was above the water's surface. She speculated it was the reason their marriage worked. What relationship can survive the harshness of absolute candour?
I can't stand giving blow jobs, but I have never said that to a lover; for years I have dutifully kneeled. Many girlfriends feel the same. One describes it as a chore in the same way she describes defrosting the fridge. Yet, of course, she has never told her husband this.
Why is it still so hard for women, basking in the glow of so many feminist advances, to be more honest about sex? To say such simple things to their sexual partners as: "No, I didn't have an orgasm." Or, "I find it incredibly monotonous when you make love to me, and sometimes it hurts."
Why are women still so subservient to their partner's pleasure at the expense of their own? Why aren't we more in control? Because we don't want them to turn away from us, perhaps. We don't want them to find the woman who loves giving blow jobs (yes, they do exist). Because we want our partners to think we are someone else. Because sometimes we are willing to put up with a lot, to keep a relationship steady, to have children.
Is complete sexual honesty the last frontier that feminism has to tackle?
I loved the idea of diving under the surface of a woman's life, a seemingly contentedly-married woman, and exploring her secret world. In my book I wanted to say all those things we may think, but never actually say - especially to our lovers.
I had fully intended to put my name to The Bride Stripped Bare when I began, but soon found I was censoring myself: afraid of too much honesty, afraid of hurting the people closest to me, and afraid that no man - husband included - would ever want to sleep with me again, knowing that they were being so judged.
I was judging the dishonesty in my own sexual life most of all. The aim was to be as merciless in print as a Chuck Close painting or a Ron Mueck sculpture - but as far as I know, those artists do not often turn their extremely critical eye upon themselves. Now I know why. I am not someone who is completely relaxed about nudity, have never been comfortable in a bikini. And like many women in a swimsuit, I'm afraid of revealing too much.
But when the idea of anonymity came to me, everything clicked. I was suddenly like a woman on a foreign beach who is confident that she doesn't know a soul and parades her body loudly and joyously, without worrying what anyone thinks of her. I had opened a door to a reckless, exhilarating new world, and could say whatever I wanted.
Like, I have never climaxed during vaginal sex. And I was 30 before I had my first orgasm and I have lied, often, about whether I have had one. And I am often thinking of another scenario entirely as I am being made love to, that has nothing to do with the man inside me. And for years I wasn't sure I was going about it the right way, because I was getting so little from the experience. And it was such a relief to read that Marilyn Monroe had said, "I don't think I do it properly."
What's all this about big penises? I would much prefer a snug fit than one that makes me feel that I am being split apart. And, actually, I really don't like my breasts being fondled and a lot of women I know feel the same.
Anonymity gave me the freedom to voice, for the first time, exactly what I wanted when it came to sex. I found the freedom to vent all those doubts I had felt for so long - and to write about a woman finding a way to be in sexual control. Finding a way to have exhilarating sex, the kind that can transport you to another plane. I wasn't sure, though, that I wanted my husband to know of this woman. I'm seen as a good, sweet wife. I didn't want to let him down.
Naively, perhaps, I thought I could get away with it: no one would know it was me behind the book. It also meant I wasn't afraid of it failing. It seemed such a strange hybrid of novel, memoir, treatise and sex manual; I wasn't sure it worked. I was a very new mother, and I had lost my professional confidence. I was exhausted, and my brain didn't work in the way it used to.
Then the story broke about the authorship, just after the book had been sold to its publisher. Suddenly I lost control; journalists were camping on my doorstep and doorstepping my husband (to this day my publishers, agent and myself don't know how they found out).
I couldn't lie about the its authorship, for Bride, above all, was about honesty. One reader wrote, "I would never have had the courage to have said what you did - it's so raw, so open. You're very brave." I laughed when I received this, for, of course, I would never have had the courage to say what I did either if I had thought my name would be attached.
I still have my husband to deal with. He has just read my book. We haven't made love since, because he is feeling raw and vulnerable. But also, I must say, more than a little turned on.
I hope the book works; I hope honesty works. I don't know yet, it is too early. I am not sure if our relationship can survive the spotlight of so much frankness. Perhaps I would need to read his side of the story: a man's secret life. To know what he really wants from sex, but has never dared say. At least to his wife.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
What Women Want in Bed:
You may have heard that what women want in bed is a more sensual, unrushed foreplay. You may also know that they hate it when you just fall asleep after making love without cuddling and kissing, right?
But do you know exactly what they want in between?
Whether you’ve been married for years or just in a new relationship, is never too late to discover what your partner wants in bed and the delicious difference between merely having sex and making love.
Yes, what women want in bed has to do with your ‘equipment’ and how well it works, of course - nobody can deny that - we’ll deal with it in a minute.
But before that, let’s take a look first at the other three things that women want in bed:
What Women Want in Bed: #1. A Well-trained Tongue
Okay, I know what you think now. That she wants you to get down on her... Perhaps. But more than that, there’s something else she wants in bed: hearing compliments.
Compliments are always good, except when they're generic. "You are beautiful" or, "You are so sexy" won’t cut it for her - she will think you must have said these to a dozen of other women...
Instead, focus on specific details that will make her feel not only attractive to you, but special. For example, you can say, "I love your cheek dimples" or, "Your freckle is beautiful" or, "Your well-rounded ass drives me crazy!"
Also, speak with a you-focus. Instead of "That feels good", say, "You make me feel good". Instead of "I like that", say, "I love the way you do that". Subtle change, big difference.
"The word "you" sounds sexy to a woman because you're referring to her as opposed to the act of sex. It's very personal, and women love that", says psychotherapist Daylle Deanna Schwartz, author of "How to Please a Woman In and Out of Bed".
What Women Want in Bed #2. Full-body Lovemaking
Want to be perceived as a great lover? Then you must do more than getting your pleasure and moving on.
For women, sex starts in their mind. So take the extra time to romance your woman with candles around the bed, soft music, sweet scents or even rose petals on the sheets - this will make her feel special, wanted and aroused.
Once you touch her, caress her entire body, not just her hardened nipples and the wet spot between her legs.
Before even touching these hot spots, take your time to fondle her in less obvious places, like her neck and behind the ears. Trace slow, circular waves along your partner's most sensitive zones: her inner thighs, lower back and the palm of her hands.
What Women Want in Bed #3. Lead without Inhibitions
She wants you to take the lead and hold the space for her to surrender to your enjoying her. Nothing is more masculine than taking the lead and showing that you have direction, you know what you want and you're going for it.
Start pointing her to the direction you want to take, and she will follow.
For example, the most common sexual fantasy for women is to be dominated in bed. Take her hands and place them over her head while you kiss her neck and whisper "You like this." And, that’s not a question.
Avoid asking questions. Not in bed. Ever. In bed, nothing turns off a woman more than being asked, "Do you want me to kiss you on the neck?" or "Should I take off your blouse?" or "Would you like me to go slow?"
Instead, tell her, "It's okay to go slow" or, "I’m going to take off your bra" or, I’m going to make love to you all night" or, "Next time, I'm going to f*ck you even harder".
These statements convey a sense of direction and certainty. When you do that, you create a highly intimate space where she can trust you and feel safe to relax and open up.
Also, stop being gentle when you make love. Women want to be taken, to be ravished. She'll be wildly turned on by mildly rough sex and explicit, downright sexual talk that would make her blush outside the bedroom. She wants to feel that you are going wild for her, and because of her.
What Women Want in Bed #4: Good Sexual Performance
Unless mean or not caring about you, most women will never say anything to indicate that you are small. Why? Because they don’t want to hurt you by making you feel inadequate. And, because in most cases, size is more of an issue just in your mind - most men fret over the size of their organ.
However, you should know that women don’t care nearly as much about penile size as they do about its stiffness and lasting power.
When it comes to men’s sexual performance, what women want in bed is to avoid going through the embarrassment of a weak erection or of a premature ejaculation.
When you experience either of these, sex stops being fun and pleasurable; instead, it becomes a dreadful and embarrassing event for both of you.
Depending on which of the two dysfunctions you experience - erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation, your partner will either lose interest, or become frustrated when you’re unable to perform repeatedly.
Sooner or later, she’ll find excuses to say "No" more and more often. Sooner or later, she will start entertaining the idea of looking somewhere else.
So if you experience either of these, don’t wait. In most cases, both conditions are perfectly (and easily) treatable, even without having to go through the discomfort of seeing a doctor. There's a completely natural remedy for erectile dysfunction and you can get control over premature ejaculation.
You will be able to satisfy any woman without worrying about going soft or being done in less than three minutes.
Being able to perform well and provide what women want in bed will make you a great lover. You’ll give them a fulfilling, emotionally charged sexual encounter and make them wild beyond anything you've ever imagined!
But do you know exactly what they want in between?
Whether you’ve been married for years or just in a new relationship, is never too late to discover what your partner wants in bed and the delicious difference between merely having sex and making love.
Yes, what women want in bed has to do with your ‘equipment’ and how well it works, of course - nobody can deny that - we’ll deal with it in a minute.
But before that, let’s take a look first at the other three things that women want in bed:
What Women Want in Bed: #1. A Well-trained Tongue
Okay, I know what you think now. That she wants you to get down on her... Perhaps. But more than that, there’s something else she wants in bed: hearing compliments.
Compliments are always good, except when they're generic. "You are beautiful" or, "You are so sexy" won’t cut it for her - she will think you must have said these to a dozen of other women...
Instead, focus on specific details that will make her feel not only attractive to you, but special. For example, you can say, "I love your cheek dimples" or, "Your freckle is beautiful" or, "Your well-rounded ass drives me crazy!"
Also, speak with a you-focus. Instead of "That feels good", say, "You make me feel good". Instead of "I like that", say, "I love the way you do that". Subtle change, big difference.
"The word "you" sounds sexy to a woman because you're referring to her as opposed to the act of sex. It's very personal, and women love that", says psychotherapist Daylle Deanna Schwartz, author of "How to Please a Woman In and Out of Bed".
What Women Want in Bed #2. Full-body Lovemaking
Want to be perceived as a great lover? Then you must do more than getting your pleasure and moving on.
For women, sex starts in their mind. So take the extra time to romance your woman with candles around the bed, soft music, sweet scents or even rose petals on the sheets - this will make her feel special, wanted and aroused.
Once you touch her, caress her entire body, not just her hardened nipples and the wet spot between her legs.
Before even touching these hot spots, take your time to fondle her in less obvious places, like her neck and behind the ears. Trace slow, circular waves along your partner's most sensitive zones: her inner thighs, lower back and the palm of her hands.
What Women Want in Bed #3. Lead without Inhibitions
She wants you to take the lead and hold the space for her to surrender to your enjoying her. Nothing is more masculine than taking the lead and showing that you have direction, you know what you want and you're going for it.
Start pointing her to the direction you want to take, and she will follow.
For example, the most common sexual fantasy for women is to be dominated in bed. Take her hands and place them over her head while you kiss her neck and whisper "You like this." And, that’s not a question.
Avoid asking questions. Not in bed. Ever. In bed, nothing turns off a woman more than being asked, "Do you want me to kiss you on the neck?" or "Should I take off your blouse?" or "Would you like me to go slow?"
Instead, tell her, "It's okay to go slow" or, "I’m going to take off your bra" or, I’m going to make love to you all night" or, "Next time, I'm going to f*ck you even harder".
These statements convey a sense of direction and certainty. When you do that, you create a highly intimate space where she can trust you and feel safe to relax and open up.
Also, stop being gentle when you make love. Women want to be taken, to be ravished. She'll be wildly turned on by mildly rough sex and explicit, downright sexual talk that would make her blush outside the bedroom. She wants to feel that you are going wild for her, and because of her.
What Women Want in Bed #4: Good Sexual Performance
Unless mean or not caring about you, most women will never say anything to indicate that you are small. Why? Because they don’t want to hurt you by making you feel inadequate. And, because in most cases, size is more of an issue just in your mind - most men fret over the size of their organ.
However, you should know that women don’t care nearly as much about penile size as they do about its stiffness and lasting power.
When it comes to men’s sexual performance, what women want in bed is to avoid going through the embarrassment of a weak erection or of a premature ejaculation.
When you experience either of these, sex stops being fun and pleasurable; instead, it becomes a dreadful and embarrassing event for both of you.
Depending on which of the two dysfunctions you experience - erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation, your partner will either lose interest, or become frustrated when you’re unable to perform repeatedly.
Sooner or later, she’ll find excuses to say "No" more and more often. Sooner or later, she will start entertaining the idea of looking somewhere else.
So if you experience either of these, don’t wait. In most cases, both conditions are perfectly (and easily) treatable, even without having to go through the discomfort of seeing a doctor. There's a completely natural remedy for erectile dysfunction and you can get control over premature ejaculation.
You will be able to satisfy any woman without worrying about going soft or being done in less than three minutes.
Being able to perform well and provide what women want in bed will make you a great lover. You’ll give them a fulfilling, emotionally charged sexual encounter and make them wild beyond anything you've ever imagined!
What Women Want in Men
While I cannot speak for women nor can a woman speak for all women, there are characteristics the majority of women want in a man. I’ve read several books, subscribed to attraction newsletters, talked to attraction experts, talked to women about what they want in a man, tested techniques, and have observed many scenarios comparing and contrasting variables men display in their interaction with women to develop a set of characteristics men can develop to build their attractiveness towards women.
Additionally, I’ve heard and seen a lot of wrong advice on this subject from so-called experts. In fact, a great deal of this “expert advice” is heavily diffused into society beliefs and norms. Many guys have been wrongly conditioned as to what women really want. I don’t blame them. Attraction is a really confusing subject.
Some women have “screwed up” men’s minds as to what women want because these women think they have all the answers. They think “I’m a women so I know what I and other women want.” Most women don’t have a clue as to what they truly want in a man or they think what they feel must be the same for all women. So listen up young Jedi apprentice.
What I’m going to teach will probably shock you.
I can guarantee you other communication skills teachers would definitely not tell you what I’m about to say. That’s because most of these teachers do not understand how attraction with women works. These teachers will not tell you these skills because they are pretty much counter-intuitive to what “good communication” is. I was once the same.
Also, do not think attracting a lady isn’t applicable to you. If you are in a relationship, this advice will help you almost as much as a single guy who is looking for a partner. Anytime you can get a woman feeling more attracted too you like over the phone, in a business deal, or placing an order at a restaurant, you will get more out of the situation than if she wasn’t slightly attracted.
Women are Mixed-Up
Women saying one thing and meaning another thing is a whole other article itself yet I’ll briefly explain it to give you an understanding as to what women say they want is often not what they really want.
I agree that women are strange . Half of what they say has exactly the opposite meaning. This is where the main problem I’ll discuss more later on about being nice to lady comes in.
I use to think, you probably think, and a high percentage of guys think, that you have to compliment a lady, give gifts, buy her flowers, and basically earn her affection. The technique may work for a little while but you won’t have the powerful attraction otherwise possible by not being a nice guy and it will leave you broke .
Attraction is a confusing subject. Guys and women often cannot explain why they are attracted to someone. Attraction isn’t a logical decision. A woman does not make the logical decision to be with a guy because he is nice to her with his compliments, presents, and gifts. Women and men make emotional decisions on who they want to have relationships with.
For women, they often say they like guys with humor, which I and attraction experts believe is true, but it isn’t the whole story. A woman can say she likes a guy with a sense of humor but a good sense of humor alone isn’t enough. Ladies aren’t crawling all over comedians. What they often find attractive is a guy who is cocky and has a sense of humor. Being cocky and funny when combined with unstoppable confidence is usually enough to get a woman because this presses all her right buttons. There really isn’t anything that can get a woman turned on faster than a cocky and funny guy.
Physical Looks
The strongest belief I need to firstly destroy is that women want a physically attractive man. A guy’s attractiveness towards women is far more about personality than physical looks. If you don’t believe me, go out to where hot women are and you’ll see average and sometimes ugly looking men having women begging for their attention. I’ve heard countless stories of guys aged over 40, bald, short, and even over 350 pounds, who are dating women rated 10 on a scale of 1 to 10.
Additionally, I’ve heard good looking guys have hopeless results in attracting women. Physical looks can get a lady’s initial interest, but it isn’t what builds attraction. You may be wondering why tall, good-looking, rich guys are associated with hot women. The fact is these guys have other characteristics that attract women. They emit confidence, are challenging, and show other alpha male qualities which you’ll learn more about later on. If you still don’t believe me, you are what I call a “theorist”. You theorize on what you think works and doesn’t work based on your limited beliefs. I am 100% certain that what I’m talking about here is what women want. Put your limiting beliefs from what you have been conditioned to believe aside and discover what women truly want.
How you communicate to a lady, the signals you emit such as confidence and assertiveness, and not your physical looks determines how attracted a lady is to you.
…how you communicate to a lady…and not your physical looks determines how attracted a lady is to you.Of course, there are women who will only accept a man based on his looks. Do not worry about these few women. They have an extremely shallow personality created from low self-esteem and other self-related problems. You do not want to be with someone who is so superficial. These women probably make up about 2% of females and even these characteristics listed here are what they want. It is just that these shallow women must have a guy with good looks to fulfill self-related problems. Such shallow women are never satisfied in any relationship as the void exists within and not in their partner.
Physical looks are important but not as important as society norms perceive them to be. There is a level of physical attraction that can hold you back like poor hygiene, awful attire, and annoying habits. It’s likely these characteristics will only hold you back when one is below the lady’s expected level. As an example, repulsive breath is enough to turn off any woman.
You still want to be as physically attractive as possible. Every guy should dress in a way that compliments their figure and is good for the situation. Ask your friends as to what they think you could change to improve your physical attractiveness to women. Even better, ask a female friend what they think you could change. Most women will be more then happy to fix you up. There is nothing like getting a women’s perspective on how you can better your physical looks. Let them know you are very open to hearing anything and welcoming of criticism so they do not hold back advice in fear of hurting you.
Mouth hygiene is an important physical issue you need to have working for you and not against you. Brush your teeth in the morning and night. Also brush the roof of your mouth and tongue to ensure your breathe does not smell like a garbage dump. Floss at least once a week to remove food stuck in between your teeth. Furthermore, you can rinse your mouth regularly with water, gargle salt water, and use a mouth rinse. Do as much as you can to prevent the build-up of bacteria which creates smelly breathe.
Another thing you must do to work with what physical looks you have is building your muscle definition and doing cardiovascular workouts 2-3 times a week. You don’t need to look like Mr. Olympia to benefit from working out. Being more muscularly defined emits confidence, dominance, and improves your well-being and self-esteem. These are all characteristics women desperately want in a man. The cardiovascular workouts will develop your endurance throughout the day, better your happiness, improve self-perceptions, and allow you to maintain an energetic personality. Working out will give you amazing psychological benefits that go well beyond characteristics favored by women. You can overcome personal insecurities and live a happier life by working out regularly.
Now that you understand the greatest illusion of women feeling attracted is excellent physical looks and that you’ve got the most important physical attributes under control and working for you in building attraction towards women, it’s time to look at more characteristics you can develop that women want.
Alpha Males
In the animal kingdom, an alpha male is followed by a number of its own species within a given geographical location. It is the dominant animal of the group. An animal that possesses an alpha status breeds abundantly. An alpha animal does have responsibilities. The animal must successfully fight challengers to keep its alpha status otherwise it can become an outcast or even die.
In the human world, alpha males get what they want. They overrule many males who are fearful, do not stand-up for themselves, or lack self-esteem. Like the animal kingdom, they are challenged by other males who are after an alpha status. Fortunately, death isn’t associated with these challenges. However, being challenged can make or break you. Women don’t want jerks who try to physically take down any guy who may get in the way of his relationships. You’ve probably seen these jealous boyfriends in clubs who try to act all “macho” by being overprotective. A true alpha male is able to walk-away from ego-headed jerks who may try to pick a fight and comes out of the situation stronger then before because of his confidence.
The alpha male uses humor, confidence, shows he is comfortable with himself, and doesn’t require other’s approval.Jerks are aggressive, easily intimidated, pig-headed individuals who use physical intimidation to temporarily avoid challenges from other guys while nice guys will lose out altogether in sucking up to a woman. Males that women are extremely attracted to are able to build more attraction from the challenge. The true alpha male uses humor, confidence, shows he is comfortable with himself, and doesn’t require other’s approval.
A few other interesting characteristics of the alpha male also link back to the animal world. Alpha males are territorial. If someone threatening invades their space they will defend themselves or leave the location. Alpha males are protective. He doesn’t fight to prove his toughness but he will protect those he cares for.
What I recommend you learn from this is to set a goal of developing alpha male qualities. An alpha male is confident, possesses strong self-beliefs, and has power in the relationships. Alpha males are assertive, take lead, know what they want, and have integrity.
Women Hate Nice Guys
Women do not want what attraction expert David DeAngelo terms a “wussy” or “nice-guy”. A man who is “wussy” is an omega male. He is not confident, has no power, and is too compensatory with women. He is dominated by females and other males. It’s almost the complete opposite to an alpha male.
An extremely high percentage of males are “wussies” because society conditions us to be nice to strangers. Good communication is being nice to people. However, this doesn’t cut it in building attraction. This is a real shocker as it is almost completely counter-intuitive to traditional communication skills where you’re supposed to be nice to people. It is an area where other communication teachers fail in. They teach based on theory and what they think works and not what truly works.
I began to see how powerful it is by seeing it in others and using the techniques myself. It really does work.
Being a nice guy does not work. You do not need to be a jerk but you can’t be “nice”. By not being a “wussy” women actually love you for it, especially the better looking ladies. If you disagree with me, then you haven’t practiced these techniques and you would definitely be struggling with attracting women. Ask any lady who is frequently approached by guys. They will tell you how boring and easy they are. They hate wussies. A wussy guy is not challenging, too predictable, and is boring. I can imagine the women reading this nodding their heads in complete agreement.
A guy who is termed “nice” or “wussy” attempts to buy a woman’s attraction. He purchases gifts and dinners in an effort to make her like him. Most women are very happy to receive these gifts but only as means of receiving what they want. They see the guy who buys affection as a provider and not someone they are physically attracted to. A woman’s attraction cannot be brought.
Similarly, when a couple is going out to a movie or dinner, the alpha male takes lead. He chooses a movie or place to have dinner with his lady’s preference in consideration. He does not say “I’m happy with whatever you want” or “I don’t care where we go”. It relates back to taking control and having power within the relationship.
Attraction isn’t a logical process.
Attraction isn’t decided.
Attraction isn’t a choice.
If you’re still hanging onto your nice boy characteristics around women because you believe they are better than these alpha male attributes, then my advice is you need to stop acting stubborn with what you think is right and listen up to what actually works.
The Hidden Qualities Women Love in Men
A man women love is comfortable no matter what. When a situation is against him, he is able to come out stronger. He does not require women’s or other guy’s approval. He has integrity and never diverts from it. He does not do everything a women wants thus leading her to have all the power. He challenges her thoughts and behaviors as not being good enough for him. He balances cockiness with humor. He is able to tease, be funny about it, and build attraction.
Balancing the cockiness with humor is something called “cocky and funny”. This shows your confidence and high value using humor, two extremely attractive qualities to a lady.
An example of cocky and funny can be picking something up unusual about her and busting her for it. Say she is going out to a party, you haven’t been invited, and she has a somewhat large bag (it doesn’t have to be really large). You can bust on her by saying “That bag is huge. Do you have a bomb in there and am going to blow up the party or something? I’m glad I’m not going.”
This example is funny, gives you the power, and you show her you do not need her approval. It won’t make her come chasing after you but it’s what you need to constantly keep doing to build attraction.
The other day a lady complimented me on how good I looked (I’m not actually that good looking. It’s just that I was teasing her and the only response she would have known to feeling attraction is to be nice). What a wuss would have done is reciprocated the compliment by telling her something good about herself or he would have just said “thankyou” and let the situation fizzle down. I knew this was an opportunity to keep building her tension. I looked at her in a calm manner, said “Thank you. I always do.” and made my eyes trace down her body. I saw her shoes which were these strappy things with small heels. What I did was than told her she could at least wear better shoes to keep up with my standards, “Did you make those shoes this morning with strings and some bamboo?” She laughed, loved it, and I loved it. It was confident, appropriate, cocky, and funny.
Another confusing area on what women want in men is chivalry which refers to courteous behaviors towards women. Chivalry has never been and never will be dead. It is the context of which chivalry is used that determines its effectiveness. A powerful magnetic attraction is only made when strong behaviors that have been discussed in this article are used in combination with chivalrous behavior like:
•Opening doors for women.
•Walking on the footpath closest to the road.
•Pulling out a chair for your lady to sit on.
•Buying her a meal not to impress her or to take her out, but because you are eating there in the first place regardless of her accepting your invitation.
Chivalry behavior is not as effective and may even be negative when the man who is chivalrous is also a girly-man who sucks up to women. Having chivalrous behavior in addition to the other characteristics of a manly-man discussed in this article are hidden magnetic qualities women love in men.
Back to other nice-guy qualities that women hate. A nice-guy runs after women. He seeks approval begging like a little puppy for attention. As a strong word of advice, if you are chasing a woman you are not being chased by her. You demonstrate neediness and approval by chasing. When you realize this and take control of the overall meta-frame (the meaning of the interaction) she then actually begins to chase you. Controlling the meta-frame demonstrates your power, internal comfort, confidence, and no need for approval, all characteristics women are begging for in a man.
Do not be a traditional nice guy. Keep your power in your relationship. Lose the need to control her. Become cocky and funny. This will most likely make her attached, needy, and wanting your approval. Who would have thought?
Women desperately want guys with these characteristics and especially the more popular and hot women who are flooded with nice-guys. These ladies always get nice-guys coming up and complimenting them on how beautiful they are. If you talk to a lady who has guys coming up to her a few times each week, I can guarantee you she is sick of it, hates guys who are intimidated of her, and guys who are a “walk-over”.
What About Just Being Me?
Ah. “What about just being me?” The words of a wussy who doesn’t want to leave his comfort zone.
“Just be your natural self” is another piece of awful advice dating and communication teachers tell people. In fact, being your natural self in many areas of life will get you into trouble. I know people don’t like hearing that, but regardless, we must always fight our natural tendencies to progress forward and become who we want to be. If you were always just yourself, then you wouldn’t grow to become anyone greater. You’d be stuck in your old bad habits.
By practicing these skills, you internalize them and only then does it become your natural self.By developing my “attraction skills” and learning to trigger attraction in women that I wouldn’t have otherwise done, I’m not being my natural self. By practicing these skills, you internalize them and only then does it become your natural self. The difference is, now your natural self is what women want.
Being yourself is not a right. You do not have the right to be yourself. Being yourself is a privledge you must earn by constantly working on yourself and becoming a better man.
What I have discussed here is based upon what works with attracting women. To learn more on developing these techniques I’ve discussed in this article, I recommended you at least signup to attraction expert David DeAngelo’s newsletter here. Go to David DeAngelo’s website, signup, and purchase his ebook if you are really serious about attracting women. He has been learning this stuff for almost ten years ever since he struggled with women by being a nice guy himself.
I’m subscribed to his attraction material myself and have personally read through his materials. He’s taught me a tonne of stuff about attraction in ladies. I cannot recommend his ebook any higher.
You may not want to attract women but his ebook and teachings are just applicable to keeping a woman in your current relationship happy and attracted to you. By sparking attraction within her, she will experience feelings like never before, have stronger attraction towards you, and will have more exciting experiences with you.
Additionally, I’ve heard and seen a lot of wrong advice on this subject from so-called experts. In fact, a great deal of this “expert advice” is heavily diffused into society beliefs and norms. Many guys have been wrongly conditioned as to what women really want. I don’t blame them. Attraction is a really confusing subject.
Some women have “screwed up” men’s minds as to what women want because these women think they have all the answers. They think “I’m a women so I know what I and other women want.” Most women don’t have a clue as to what they truly want in a man or they think what they feel must be the same for all women. So listen up young Jedi apprentice.
What I’m going to teach will probably shock you.
I can guarantee you other communication skills teachers would definitely not tell you what I’m about to say. That’s because most of these teachers do not understand how attraction with women works. These teachers will not tell you these skills because they are pretty much counter-intuitive to what “good communication” is. I was once the same.
Also, do not think attracting a lady isn’t applicable to you. If you are in a relationship, this advice will help you almost as much as a single guy who is looking for a partner. Anytime you can get a woman feeling more attracted too you like over the phone, in a business deal, or placing an order at a restaurant, you will get more out of the situation than if she wasn’t slightly attracted.
Women are Mixed-Up
Women saying one thing and meaning another thing is a whole other article itself yet I’ll briefly explain it to give you an understanding as to what women say they want is often not what they really want.
I agree that women are strange . Half of what they say has exactly the opposite meaning. This is where the main problem I’ll discuss more later on about being nice to lady comes in.
I use to think, you probably think, and a high percentage of guys think, that you have to compliment a lady, give gifts, buy her flowers, and basically earn her affection. The technique may work for a little while but you won’t have the powerful attraction otherwise possible by not being a nice guy and it will leave you broke .
Attraction is a confusing subject. Guys and women often cannot explain why they are attracted to someone. Attraction isn’t a logical decision. A woman does not make the logical decision to be with a guy because he is nice to her with his compliments, presents, and gifts. Women and men make emotional decisions on who they want to have relationships with.
For women, they often say they like guys with humor, which I and attraction experts believe is true, but it isn’t the whole story. A woman can say she likes a guy with a sense of humor but a good sense of humor alone isn’t enough. Ladies aren’t crawling all over comedians. What they often find attractive is a guy who is cocky and has a sense of humor. Being cocky and funny when combined with unstoppable confidence is usually enough to get a woman because this presses all her right buttons. There really isn’t anything that can get a woman turned on faster than a cocky and funny guy.
Physical Looks
The strongest belief I need to firstly destroy is that women want a physically attractive man. A guy’s attractiveness towards women is far more about personality than physical looks. If you don’t believe me, go out to where hot women are and you’ll see average and sometimes ugly looking men having women begging for their attention. I’ve heard countless stories of guys aged over 40, bald, short, and even over 350 pounds, who are dating women rated 10 on a scale of 1 to 10.
Additionally, I’ve heard good looking guys have hopeless results in attracting women. Physical looks can get a lady’s initial interest, but it isn’t what builds attraction. You may be wondering why tall, good-looking, rich guys are associated with hot women. The fact is these guys have other characteristics that attract women. They emit confidence, are challenging, and show other alpha male qualities which you’ll learn more about later on. If you still don’t believe me, you are what I call a “theorist”. You theorize on what you think works and doesn’t work based on your limited beliefs. I am 100% certain that what I’m talking about here is what women want. Put your limiting beliefs from what you have been conditioned to believe aside and discover what women truly want.
How you communicate to a lady, the signals you emit such as confidence and assertiveness, and not your physical looks determines how attracted a lady is to you.
…how you communicate to a lady…and not your physical looks determines how attracted a lady is to you.Of course, there are women who will only accept a man based on his looks. Do not worry about these few women. They have an extremely shallow personality created from low self-esteem and other self-related problems. You do not want to be with someone who is so superficial. These women probably make up about 2% of females and even these characteristics listed here are what they want. It is just that these shallow women must have a guy with good looks to fulfill self-related problems. Such shallow women are never satisfied in any relationship as the void exists within and not in their partner.
Physical looks are important but not as important as society norms perceive them to be. There is a level of physical attraction that can hold you back like poor hygiene, awful attire, and annoying habits. It’s likely these characteristics will only hold you back when one is below the lady’s expected level. As an example, repulsive breath is enough to turn off any woman.
You still want to be as physically attractive as possible. Every guy should dress in a way that compliments their figure and is good for the situation. Ask your friends as to what they think you could change to improve your physical attractiveness to women. Even better, ask a female friend what they think you could change. Most women will be more then happy to fix you up. There is nothing like getting a women’s perspective on how you can better your physical looks. Let them know you are very open to hearing anything and welcoming of criticism so they do not hold back advice in fear of hurting you.
Mouth hygiene is an important physical issue you need to have working for you and not against you. Brush your teeth in the morning and night. Also brush the roof of your mouth and tongue to ensure your breathe does not smell like a garbage dump. Floss at least once a week to remove food stuck in between your teeth. Furthermore, you can rinse your mouth regularly with water, gargle salt water, and use a mouth rinse. Do as much as you can to prevent the build-up of bacteria which creates smelly breathe.
Another thing you must do to work with what physical looks you have is building your muscle definition and doing cardiovascular workouts 2-3 times a week. You don’t need to look like Mr. Olympia to benefit from working out. Being more muscularly defined emits confidence, dominance, and improves your well-being and self-esteem. These are all characteristics women desperately want in a man. The cardiovascular workouts will develop your endurance throughout the day, better your happiness, improve self-perceptions, and allow you to maintain an energetic personality. Working out will give you amazing psychological benefits that go well beyond characteristics favored by women. You can overcome personal insecurities and live a happier life by working out regularly.
Now that you understand the greatest illusion of women feeling attracted is excellent physical looks and that you’ve got the most important physical attributes under control and working for you in building attraction towards women, it’s time to look at more characteristics you can develop that women want.
Alpha Males
In the animal kingdom, an alpha male is followed by a number of its own species within a given geographical location. It is the dominant animal of the group. An animal that possesses an alpha status breeds abundantly. An alpha animal does have responsibilities. The animal must successfully fight challengers to keep its alpha status otherwise it can become an outcast or even die.
In the human world, alpha males get what they want. They overrule many males who are fearful, do not stand-up for themselves, or lack self-esteem. Like the animal kingdom, they are challenged by other males who are after an alpha status. Fortunately, death isn’t associated with these challenges. However, being challenged can make or break you. Women don’t want jerks who try to physically take down any guy who may get in the way of his relationships. You’ve probably seen these jealous boyfriends in clubs who try to act all “macho” by being overprotective. A true alpha male is able to walk-away from ego-headed jerks who may try to pick a fight and comes out of the situation stronger then before because of his confidence.
The alpha male uses humor, confidence, shows he is comfortable with himself, and doesn’t require other’s approval.Jerks are aggressive, easily intimidated, pig-headed individuals who use physical intimidation to temporarily avoid challenges from other guys while nice guys will lose out altogether in sucking up to a woman. Males that women are extremely attracted to are able to build more attraction from the challenge. The true alpha male uses humor, confidence, shows he is comfortable with himself, and doesn’t require other’s approval.
A few other interesting characteristics of the alpha male also link back to the animal world. Alpha males are territorial. If someone threatening invades their space they will defend themselves or leave the location. Alpha males are protective. He doesn’t fight to prove his toughness but he will protect those he cares for.
What I recommend you learn from this is to set a goal of developing alpha male qualities. An alpha male is confident, possesses strong self-beliefs, and has power in the relationships. Alpha males are assertive, take lead, know what they want, and have integrity.
Women Hate Nice Guys
Women do not want what attraction expert David DeAngelo terms a “wussy” or “nice-guy”. A man who is “wussy” is an omega male. He is not confident, has no power, and is too compensatory with women. He is dominated by females and other males. It’s almost the complete opposite to an alpha male.
An extremely high percentage of males are “wussies” because society conditions us to be nice to strangers. Good communication is being nice to people. However, this doesn’t cut it in building attraction. This is a real shocker as it is almost completely counter-intuitive to traditional communication skills where you’re supposed to be nice to people. It is an area where other communication teachers fail in. They teach based on theory and what they think works and not what truly works.
I began to see how powerful it is by seeing it in others and using the techniques myself. It really does work.
Being a nice guy does not work. You do not need to be a jerk but you can’t be “nice”. By not being a “wussy” women actually love you for it, especially the better looking ladies. If you disagree with me, then you haven’t practiced these techniques and you would definitely be struggling with attracting women. Ask any lady who is frequently approached by guys. They will tell you how boring and easy they are. They hate wussies. A wussy guy is not challenging, too predictable, and is boring. I can imagine the women reading this nodding their heads in complete agreement.
A guy who is termed “nice” or “wussy” attempts to buy a woman’s attraction. He purchases gifts and dinners in an effort to make her like him. Most women are very happy to receive these gifts but only as means of receiving what they want. They see the guy who buys affection as a provider and not someone they are physically attracted to. A woman’s attraction cannot be brought.
Similarly, when a couple is going out to a movie or dinner, the alpha male takes lead. He chooses a movie or place to have dinner with his lady’s preference in consideration. He does not say “I’m happy with whatever you want” or “I don’t care where we go”. It relates back to taking control and having power within the relationship.
Attraction isn’t a logical process.
Attraction isn’t decided.
Attraction isn’t a choice.
If you’re still hanging onto your nice boy characteristics around women because you believe they are better than these alpha male attributes, then my advice is you need to stop acting stubborn with what you think is right and listen up to what actually works.
The Hidden Qualities Women Love in Men
A man women love is comfortable no matter what. When a situation is against him, he is able to come out stronger. He does not require women’s or other guy’s approval. He has integrity and never diverts from it. He does not do everything a women wants thus leading her to have all the power. He challenges her thoughts and behaviors as not being good enough for him. He balances cockiness with humor. He is able to tease, be funny about it, and build attraction.
Balancing the cockiness with humor is something called “cocky and funny”. This shows your confidence and high value using humor, two extremely attractive qualities to a lady.
An example of cocky and funny can be picking something up unusual about her and busting her for it. Say she is going out to a party, you haven’t been invited, and she has a somewhat large bag (it doesn’t have to be really large). You can bust on her by saying “That bag is huge. Do you have a bomb in there and am going to blow up the party or something? I’m glad I’m not going.”
This example is funny, gives you the power, and you show her you do not need her approval. It won’t make her come chasing after you but it’s what you need to constantly keep doing to build attraction.
The other day a lady complimented me on how good I looked (I’m not actually that good looking. It’s just that I was teasing her and the only response she would have known to feeling attraction is to be nice). What a wuss would have done is reciprocated the compliment by telling her something good about herself or he would have just said “thankyou” and let the situation fizzle down. I knew this was an opportunity to keep building her tension. I looked at her in a calm manner, said “Thank you. I always do.” and made my eyes trace down her body. I saw her shoes which were these strappy things with small heels. What I did was than told her she could at least wear better shoes to keep up with my standards, “Did you make those shoes this morning with strings and some bamboo?” She laughed, loved it, and I loved it. It was confident, appropriate, cocky, and funny.
Another confusing area on what women want in men is chivalry which refers to courteous behaviors towards women. Chivalry has never been and never will be dead. It is the context of which chivalry is used that determines its effectiveness. A powerful magnetic attraction is only made when strong behaviors that have been discussed in this article are used in combination with chivalrous behavior like:
•Opening doors for women.
•Walking on the footpath closest to the road.
•Pulling out a chair for your lady to sit on.
•Buying her a meal not to impress her or to take her out, but because you are eating there in the first place regardless of her accepting your invitation.
Chivalry behavior is not as effective and may even be negative when the man who is chivalrous is also a girly-man who sucks up to women. Having chivalrous behavior in addition to the other characteristics of a manly-man discussed in this article are hidden magnetic qualities women love in men.
Back to other nice-guy qualities that women hate. A nice-guy runs after women. He seeks approval begging like a little puppy for attention. As a strong word of advice, if you are chasing a woman you are not being chased by her. You demonstrate neediness and approval by chasing. When you realize this and take control of the overall meta-frame (the meaning of the interaction) she then actually begins to chase you. Controlling the meta-frame demonstrates your power, internal comfort, confidence, and no need for approval, all characteristics women are begging for in a man.
Do not be a traditional nice guy. Keep your power in your relationship. Lose the need to control her. Become cocky and funny. This will most likely make her attached, needy, and wanting your approval. Who would have thought?
Women desperately want guys with these characteristics and especially the more popular and hot women who are flooded with nice-guys. These ladies always get nice-guys coming up and complimenting them on how beautiful they are. If you talk to a lady who has guys coming up to her a few times each week, I can guarantee you she is sick of it, hates guys who are intimidated of her, and guys who are a “walk-over”.
What About Just Being Me?
Ah. “What about just being me?” The words of a wussy who doesn’t want to leave his comfort zone.
“Just be your natural self” is another piece of awful advice dating and communication teachers tell people. In fact, being your natural self in many areas of life will get you into trouble. I know people don’t like hearing that, but regardless, we must always fight our natural tendencies to progress forward and become who we want to be. If you were always just yourself, then you wouldn’t grow to become anyone greater. You’d be stuck in your old bad habits.
By practicing these skills, you internalize them and only then does it become your natural self.By developing my “attraction skills” and learning to trigger attraction in women that I wouldn’t have otherwise done, I’m not being my natural self. By practicing these skills, you internalize them and only then does it become your natural self. The difference is, now your natural self is what women want.
Being yourself is not a right. You do not have the right to be yourself. Being yourself is a privledge you must earn by constantly working on yourself and becoming a better man.
What I have discussed here is based upon what works with attracting women. To learn more on developing these techniques I’ve discussed in this article, I recommended you at least signup to attraction expert David DeAngelo’s newsletter here. Go to David DeAngelo’s website, signup, and purchase his ebook if you are really serious about attracting women. He has been learning this stuff for almost ten years ever since he struggled with women by being a nice guy himself.
I’m subscribed to his attraction material myself and have personally read through his materials. He’s taught me a tonne of stuff about attraction in ladies. I cannot recommend his ebook any higher.
You may not want to attract women but his ebook and teachings are just applicable to keeping a woman in your current relationship happy and attracted to you. By sparking attraction within her, she will experience feelings like never before, have stronger attraction towards you, and will have more exciting experiences with you.
What Women Want From Men
What Women Want From Men
What do women want from men? How can you ensure that you are the type of man that women find attractive and remain interested in?
What women want is not what most guys expect to be. When we watch TV and pay attention to the media and advertising, it's easy to start believing that women want tall, dark and handsome men...who also happen to have model looks, are mega rich and possibly even famous.
In the real world of attraction, dating, sex, love and relationships - what women want has nothing to do with those things.
What a woman wants is for you to make her feel good. She wants to experience a more meaningful, emotionally-fulfilling life with you than she would with most other guys.
To make a woman feel the way she wants to around a man, you must allow her to experience a wide range of desirable emotions when she is around you. A lot of modern men make the mistake of sticking to being nice, polite and friendly when interacting with women. Unfortunately, this only allows a woman to feel a narrow range of 'nice' and 'sweet' emotions...none of which will ever turn her on sexually.
What women want in addition to feeling good, is to feel a strong sexual attraction to you. If a woman doesn't feel sexually attracted to you, she will not want to have sex with you - it's a simple as that. If you don't know how to make women feel sexually attracted to you, then you should stop what you are doing and learn right now. It is absolutely critical to your dating and relationship success with women.
Women also want you to make them feel feminine. This is especially important to modern women, who are forced to behave in a masculine way (i.e. like men) in their day jobs and many other parts of their life. These days, most women are desperately wishing they could be with a man who knows how to make her feel like a real woman.
You'll find that the more masculinity you display around a woman, the more that she will feel feminine around you and will feel sexual attraction for you. She will also try hard to make you want her as your girlfriend. Masculinity is mostly displayed through your conversation, behavior, body language and actions.
If you're still at the stage of trying to find a woman, a great way to display masculinity and get a girlfriend at the same time is to approach women and start conversations.
Almost every modern woman fantasizes about meeting the kind of man who has the confidence to walk up to her, start a conversation and sweep her off her feet. In Hollywood movies and TV shows around the world, we often see women approaching men to start conversations and even ask men out. However, in the real world, women rarely if EVER approach random men to start conversations. It simply goes against the nature of what both men and women find attractive about each other.
Women also dream of meeting and being in a serious relationship with a man who isn't afraid to be his TRUE SELF. A crucial mistake that many guys make when speaking to a woman is being too much of friendly 'nice' guy in the hope that it will impress the woman. These guys are too afraid to be their true self and instead put on the act of being a super nice guy who isn't thinking about having sex with her AT ALL. Women see through this act a mile away and it turns them off in an instant, because at the end of the day - it is deceptive, manipulative and weak and that is definitely NOT what women want in a man.
Many guys also make the mistake of talking about boring conversation topics such as: Work, the weather and a woman's age or where she lives. As I said earlier in the article, you need to make a woman feel a wide range of desirable emotions when she is around you. Boring her will not do that.
Ultimately, what a woman wants is a man who is confident, unafraid to be his true, unafraid to show his sexual interest in her and unafraid to move things forward to a phone number, kiss, sex or date. What women want is a man who knows that it is his role to approach, start a conversation and move things forward. Only in Hollywood movies do we see women going out and approaching men - don't make the mistake of believing what you see in the movies as real.
Personally, a big mistake that I used to make was thinking that women would be annoyed and would rudely reject me if I approached and started a conversation with them out of the blue.
Here's the shocking truth...
Women DO want to be approached. In fact, women get dressed up and try to look pretty in the hope that a real man walks up, starts a conversation and asks her out. That's what women want when it comes to finding a man.
What do women want from men? How can you ensure that you are the type of man that women find attractive and remain interested in?
What women want is not what most guys expect to be. When we watch TV and pay attention to the media and advertising, it's easy to start believing that women want tall, dark and handsome men...who also happen to have model looks, are mega rich and possibly even famous.
In the real world of attraction, dating, sex, love and relationships - what women want has nothing to do with those things.
What a woman wants is for you to make her feel good. She wants to experience a more meaningful, emotionally-fulfilling life with you than she would with most other guys.
To make a woman feel the way she wants to around a man, you must allow her to experience a wide range of desirable emotions when she is around you. A lot of modern men make the mistake of sticking to being nice, polite and friendly when interacting with women. Unfortunately, this only allows a woman to feel a narrow range of 'nice' and 'sweet' emotions...none of which will ever turn her on sexually.
What women want in addition to feeling good, is to feel a strong sexual attraction to you. If a woman doesn't feel sexually attracted to you, she will not want to have sex with you - it's a simple as that. If you don't know how to make women feel sexually attracted to you, then you should stop what you are doing and learn right now. It is absolutely critical to your dating and relationship success with women.
Women also want you to make them feel feminine. This is especially important to modern women, who are forced to behave in a masculine way (i.e. like men) in their day jobs and many other parts of their life. These days, most women are desperately wishing they could be with a man who knows how to make her feel like a real woman.
You'll find that the more masculinity you display around a woman, the more that she will feel feminine around you and will feel sexual attraction for you. She will also try hard to make you want her as your girlfriend. Masculinity is mostly displayed through your conversation, behavior, body language and actions.
If you're still at the stage of trying to find a woman, a great way to display masculinity and get a girlfriend at the same time is to approach women and start conversations.
Almost every modern woman fantasizes about meeting the kind of man who has the confidence to walk up to her, start a conversation and sweep her off her feet. In Hollywood movies and TV shows around the world, we often see women approaching men to start conversations and even ask men out. However, in the real world, women rarely if EVER approach random men to start conversations. It simply goes against the nature of what both men and women find attractive about each other.
Women also dream of meeting and being in a serious relationship with a man who isn't afraid to be his TRUE SELF. A crucial mistake that many guys make when speaking to a woman is being too much of friendly 'nice' guy in the hope that it will impress the woman. These guys are too afraid to be their true self and instead put on the act of being a super nice guy who isn't thinking about having sex with her AT ALL. Women see through this act a mile away and it turns them off in an instant, because at the end of the day - it is deceptive, manipulative and weak and that is definitely NOT what women want in a man.
Many guys also make the mistake of talking about boring conversation topics such as: Work, the weather and a woman's age or where she lives. As I said earlier in the article, you need to make a woman feel a wide range of desirable emotions when she is around you. Boring her will not do that.
Ultimately, what a woman wants is a man who is confident, unafraid to be his true, unafraid to show his sexual interest in her and unafraid to move things forward to a phone number, kiss, sex or date. What women want is a man who knows that it is his role to approach, start a conversation and move things forward. Only in Hollywood movies do we see women going out and approaching men - don't make the mistake of believing what you see in the movies as real.
Personally, a big mistake that I used to make was thinking that women would be annoyed and would rudely reject me if I approached and started a conversation with them out of the blue.
Here's the shocking truth...
Women DO want to be approached. In fact, women get dressed up and try to look pretty in the hope that a real man walks up, starts a conversation and asks her out. That's what women want when it comes to finding a man.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Thursday, June 18, 2009
A Special World
A Special World
A special world for you and me
A special bond one cannot see
It wraps us up in its cocoon
And holds us fiercely in its womb.
Its fingers spread like fine spun gold
Gently nestling us to the fold
Like silken thread it holds us fast
Bonds like this are meant to last.
And though at times a thread may break
A new one forms in its wake
To bind us closer and keep us strong
In a special world, where we belong.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
The Reality of Married Lovemaking
When writer Miriam Arond and her husband, psychiatrist Samuel L. Pauker, M.D., surveyed hundreds of newlywed couples across the nation, they discovered that 85 percent had made love before tying the knot, yet the frequency and quality of unmarried sex had little to do with the reality of married lovemaking. Nearly half said that after marriage, they didn't have sex as often as they'd like; 20 percent of new wives reported low sexual desire. For a fourth of the wives, sex meant painful intercourse or elusive orgasms, while 1 in 10 husbands experienced premature ejaculation, and 1 in 20 had erection problems. What ever happened to athletic, swinging-from-the-chandeliers, "did-the-earth-move-for-you-too?" prenuptial lovemaking? The deep, mystical, Tantric communing of two spirits? Hours of Hollywood sex complete with mood music, flickering candlelight, and satin sheets?"The excitement of getting married gives couples a hit of dopamine -- a feel-good brain chemical that increases sex drive. For a few months after marriage, things may stay hot," says marriage and sex therapist Pat Love, Ed.D. "And while you still love each other and feel passionate about each other, the dopamine does settle down. You're back to real life. Your normal sex-drive set point kicks back in. Your expectations about married sex take over. It's the perfect time to do the delicious work of deepening your sexual bond."
"The challenge for couples is balancing a sense of intimacy and safety and security with a sense of unpredictability and creativity and eroticism," says Barry McCarthy, Ph.D., a psychology professor at American University in Washington, D.C. "When sexual intimacy is strong, making love plays a healthy 15 to 20 percent role in energizing your marriage. The paradox is that when sex is problematic, it plays an inordinately powerful, negative role in new marriages."
Understanding the real sexual issues that newlyweds face can help you keep sex fun and fulfilling -- now and for the rest of your lives. Experts say these hidden concerns can cool the hottest love life in the early days of marriage:
Mismatched sex drives. "When your sex drive returns to its normal level in the months after you get married, couples start to notice a frustrating desire discrepancy," Dr. Love says. "It's perfectly normal. You've just got to work it out."
Testosterone, the hormone of desire, fuels sex drive in men and women. But, Dr. Love says, relatively low levels of natural testosterone mean that two-thirds of all women don't walk around thinking about sex all the time. "For these women -- and I'm one of them -- you don't feel like having sex until you're already having it," she says. "That's perfectly normal. It just means you have to approach sex a little differently. You have to make time for touching, time for sex. You can't rely on being aroused to get things started. You have to start with relaxed touching and kissing to raise your arousal level."
Clashing sex-pectations. On the last night of a romantic two-week honeymoon, Priscilla and Greg Hunt bumped up against a radical difference in expectations and desire. "We had been making love three times a day on our honeymoon," Priscilla recalls. "It was wonderful, but we were about to go back to real life. To work and school and doing the dishes and responsibilities. I had to say, it's time to talk about moderation." Says Greg, "Sexuality was a real issue. We were both learning about it in our college courses, but experiencing it firsthand was strikingly different. My testosterone levels were extremely high. We were not evenly matched for libido. We had to work hard to communicate. Sexuality is a very sensitive issue -- you have all sorts of feelings and insecurities wrapped up in it."
Does marriage ruin your sex life?
Single life: loads of sex. Married life: none at all. Welcome to the apprehensive male psyche, where their impervious view of marriage is ruining its case ..."Everyone knows that getting married ruins your sex life," my friend Jack mused after witnessing his best buddy tie the knot. "Men know that as soon as you give a girl a ring, she stops giving it so willingly. She just does it to get the man, and once she has him, the well dries up pretty fast."
I was a little stunned at his musings but my attempt to offer a counter argument quickly fell flat. "But doesn't it mean that by living together and being in love you can have it more?" I asked.
"Not when there's works and laundry and kids involved," he scoffed.
While I've heard time and time again about the belief that "married life equals no sex", (although the jury is out on how many of the 7.9 million Australian marriages this affects), I'd never quite heard a man be so open and honest about his fear of it becoming a reality. Besides, don't young married couples have a vigorous bedroom life? (If my neighbours in the next apartment are anything to go by, the proof is in the pudding!)
The married versus single sex life is an age-old question and it seems every singleton who values their hanky panky finds themselves asking the big question before they consider tying the knot: will marriage ruin my sex life?
Hence many are choosing to forgo the ceremonial stuff altogether in hope of prolonging the honeymoon period in their relationship.
Others are taking other sorts of drastic measures, like Lenny Kravitz, who recently made a promise to forgo sex before marriage altogether.
"It's just a promise I made until I get married," he told Spin Magazine. "Where I'm at in life, the women have got to come with something else, not just the body, but the mind and spirit. It usually trips them out, but that's the way it's going to be. I'm looking at the big picture."
Trippy indeed. (Although I've heard many blokes attempt to use that line to actually get into a woman's pants in the first place. And apparently it works wonders!)
But perhaps my mate Jack, and that infamous Newsweek cover story titled No Sex Please, We're Married is wrong.
After all, a recent study actually succeeded in busting the myth that women aren't as into it as men, proving that it's actually when women are in committed relationships that men and women actually share similar attitudes towards sex.
And in case the blokes are scoffing at the findings, they actually have scientific legs! Carried out by researchers at the University of Florida and published in the journal titled Sex Roles, it seems while women might not be so into it on a casual basis (although some readers of this blog would vigorously disagree), the study proved that women don't hold back when "romantic feelings" are involved.
The researchers reckon that society dictates that single men are expected to think and want sex more than women and according to Paul Perrin (one of the study's researchers), "what society tells us we should be often translates into actions".
Yet through the study, he discovered this: "Once they enter a relationship, however, the pressure on men to have sex is not as strong and the pressure on women to not have sex goes away."
And according to the infamous Newsweek's story, a study carried out in 2002 by the National Opinion Research Centre at the University of Chicago, actually found that married folks have 6.9 more sexual encounters a year than those who haven't tied the knot.
So perhaps Jack is wrong after all. But as Erica Jong once said, "Yes, wild passionate sex exists ... But it is occasional. And it is not the only thing that keeps people together. Talking and laughing keep couples together. Shared goals keep couples together."
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
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